The Other Side of Motherhood: Choosing Differently

Disclaimer: Possible trigger, read at your own discretion . . . January 17, 2019, I did something that I never thought I would do. At 7 weeks and four days, I terminated a pregnancy. I would love to say that it was the hardest decision that I have ever made, but it wasn’t. I would also love to say that I regret my decision, but I don’t. As a mother of two, I did what I thought was best for me and the children that I already have. While I don’t regret it, I don’t necessarily know how I feel about it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about this. I know that being a “blogger/influencer” makes it easier for people to feel like they can openly judge you based on your decisions. I just feel like there is someone out there who needs to read this. Someone somewhere is currently struggling with making the decision, and I want them to know that it IS okay to make whatever decision that you feel is best for you. Maybe reading my story and what I went through will help the next person . . . maybe.

Almost three months ago, I started a seasonal position at a warehouse. Right on queue, Satan sent this 5’ll man with a full beard and hazel eyes to train me. He was gorgeous, and immediately I started fighting a losing battle. . . Five weeks later, I was pregnant. For six weeks, I had absolutely no clue that I was pregnant. We worked 12 hour shifts overnight, 60 hours a week. Most of the time, I didn’t even know what day of the week it was. I definitely didn’t notice when I missed a whole period. I experienced fatigue and my appetite increased, but I honestly thought it was because I was working so much. Imagine my surprise when the workload decreased but I was still tired, hungry, and my boobs were a size bigger.

As soon as I suspected that something was wrong, I texted Sir and took a pregnancy test. I will admit that I was not the nicest to him when that test came back positive. As handsome as he was, handsome does not mean father material. He literally had ONE job to do, and getting me pregnant was not it. I was livid, but I was also scared. How the HELL was I going to raise three kids? I did consider going through with the pregnancy because I do want more kids. I just don’t want them RIGHT NOW. I took a few days to process my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I talked to Sir and decided that terminating the pregnancy while it was still early was the best decision for everyone involved.

In Alabama, you have to have two appointments in order to have an abortion. The first appointment is basically to confirm your pregnancy and to make sure that you know all of your options. Alabama as a state is definitely anti-abortion which is odd to me since it’s not anti marry your blood cousin, but I digress. In hopes that you’ll change your mind, Alabama has a law that you have to wait at least 48 hours after the first appointment before you can schedule your procedure. I walked into the clinic almost a week after taking a hpt. They did a urine test, blood test, and ultrasound to confirm that I was indeed six weeks and four days pregnant. I will admit that being in that clinic and seeing the equipment kind of freaked me out. Not to mention, there were protesters outside the clinic with anti-abortion signs. Ironically, I knew about the abortion clinic BECAUSE of the protesters standing outside everyday. When scheduling the actual procedure, I had to choose between surgical termination and medical termination. Suction, or have a miscarriage at home by myself. . . Both terrified me, but not more than giving birth to a baby that I didn’t want. I opted for the surgical procedure and scheduled it for a week later.

For me, the hardest part was telling the family and friends closest to me what I was about to do. I had pro-life vs pro-choice conversations with a few of them. There are a couple that I will probably never talk to again, and I am perfectly okay that. I’ve always been on the fence when it came to the whole pro-life vs pro-choice debate. I was raised in a pro-life home, but I’ve always been pro-mind my own damn business. My mother believed and still believes that if you’re adult enough to have unprotected sex, you should be adult enough to handle whatever happens after that. While I do agree, I also believe that a woman should be able to choose what she wants to do with HER own body. This pregnancy was not like the other two for me. I wasn’t happy, I was detached from what was growing inside of me, and I was bitter. I was more upset with myself than anything. Had I not been reckless with my vagina, I would not have gotten pregnant again and I wouldn’t have had to make that decision. I prayed, cried, made lists, and even talked to a pregnant coworker hoping she would say something to make me feel different. When it was said and done, I followed through with my decision to terminate.

I felt like I needed to share this experience because like I said before, real shit happens everyday and it doesn’t get any realer than this. I know there’s a lot of young women (not much younger than myself) who follow me and read my blog. If reading about me and mistakes helps the next person, then I’m all for it. If you are currently struggling with the same decision, I want you to know that it will be okay. It is a horrible position to be in, and you’re allowed to feel however about it. Know that you are not alone and don’t let anyone pressure you or bully you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. If you’re currently playing Russian Roulette with your vagina like I was, STOP IT! I’m not going to direct you to itsyoursexlife.com or anything, but it’s extremely important to protect yourself. Not just from unplanned pregnancies, but cooties a.k.a. STDS are real.

Chantal

Hi, I’m Chantal. I’m a mom of two, self proclaimed naturalista, and Author of Growing Girls With Curls: Short Stories For Girls of Color. Being a mom is hard. Pair that with being a single, black, millennial in America and it’s a whole different monster. Feel free to join my mailing list and follow along as I blog through this crazy thing called life.