May I vent?
As a mother, my job is to love, protect, and provide for my children. Every decision I’ve made so far has been with that purpose in mind. I’ve mentioned a time or two on the blog about how I was 19 when I gave birth to my first daughter. I was a child myself, but I did what I had to do. I stayed up many nights with her when she was sick, cried when the struggle was more than I thought I could handle, and sacrificed a lot to ensure that she was well taken care of. I did all of that while her father lived his best kid free life. I took full responsibility for our child, and still raised her to love and respect him despite his absence. I even let her build a relationship with his family against my better judgement. After all, they’re her family too.
So what’s the problem?
Boundaries and people’s inability to respect them. I birthed the child, I raise the child, therefore I make the decisions for the child. A concept so simple and yet so hard for some people to grasp. When it comes to my children, what I say goes. Just knowing that someone thinks they can overrule that is enough to make any mother completely lose her shit!
So what do you do?
Grin and bare it, or keep the child away? I chose the latter and I stand by my decision. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been “tattled” on, lied on, and completely disrespected in the last seven years. Most of the time, it was because people couldn’t understand that my no meant no. It sucks because I’ve always imagined the kind of family I wanted for myself and my children. A two parent home, and so many children that they’d never feel lonely. I wanted to be able to call my in-laws “Mom and Dad.” Basically, I wanted the Cosby life. I got the exact opposite, some real backwoods of Alabama type stuff. My marriage is a cautionary tale for any 18-19 year old in the same position . . .RUNNNNNN
So what would YOU do?
You really don’t know anger until someone comes for you as a parent. There was a time when I would’ve swung on anyone if they even looked at me wrong. Imagine growing from that only to have people attempt to push those same buttons. Now, imagine those same people being related to your child. My daughter will be seven soon. She’s been in the center of family drama since she was born. At some point, enough has to be enough. I’ve talked with my daughter, and explained the situation as best as I could without saying too much. To my surprise, she knew a lot more than I thought she did. Situations like these suck, but there will never be a day where I’d let anyone feel comfortable enough to challenge me as a mother.
I know some of y’all are probably reading this like “girl why?” I really wrote this to keep myself from doing something I shouldn’t. I also wrote this for young mothers in similar situations. It’s ok to say no when it comes to your children. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for any decisions you make as a mother. In the words of Funky Dineva (look him up on youtube), “Say what you mean, mean what you say and stand firm in your word while you’re walking in your talk.” Until next time . . .
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Hi, I’m Chantal. I’m a mom of two, self proclaimed naturalista, and Author of Growing Girls With Curls: Short Stories For Girls of Color. Being a mom is hard. Pair that with being a single, black, millennial in America and it’s a whole different monster. Feel free to join my mailing list and follow along as I blog through this crazy thing called life.
all I can say is I know some single moms and I honestly take off my hat for them. SUPER MOMS 100%
I completely, absolutely, utterly agree with you. I’ve never been as defensive as I am now that I’m a mum. I hold no prisoners when it comes to my children.
I’m sorry you have had to go through these trial, but at the same time they made you strong and resilient which are two amazing character qualities to have, and that only come through time and trials!
While my family and my in laws have always been amazing, I have had run in’s with my sons doctors. He was declaired failure to thrive when he was almost two, and they just played the blame game. Telling me I wasnt doing this that and the other thing right and they would NOT listen to me. He was breastfed until he was almost three, he ate TONS of food, tons of protein and had a higher calorie and fat intake then typical for his age, but he is SO ACTIVE that he just didnt keep any weight on.
BUT it made me so angry that I actually stood up for myself and my child (which is something that has always been hard for me, to stand up for myself) but once you have a kid it becomes all about them ya know? And nothing else matters but protecting them!
Author
I’m sorry to hear about your son, but I’m glad you found your voice. That’s our job as moms, stand up for our kids regardless of who we’re dealing with. Thank you for reading and sharing your story!
I can definitely relate to this… certain family members, lacking any type of boundary when it comes to your child. It sucks because it makes you question your judgement for a second (especially being a young mom)! But, then you quickly snap out of it because you know what’s best for your baby. I know family drama can be tough, but from reading this you’re doing your best to keep it at minimum. Praying that you and your baby don’t have to keep dealing with this! Stay strong for you and your babies ❤️
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Thank you so much Ashley!
You are so right, Mama always knows what’s best for her child. I am always surprised when people think they can question your choices.
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You and me both girl lol. Thanks for reading!
It sucks when things don’t work out the way you had hoped, but you got to do what is best for your children.
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Yes, I agree! Thanks so much mama
Great post! Always have to do whats best for you and your children!
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I definitely agree!
As the parent what we say goes. My Mom was married to this person that thought it was great to do the opposite of what my husband and I said about the kids. Drove me out of my damn mind! It finally got to the point they could only go there when we were there too. I’m sorry you and and your daughter have to go through this. Stay strong!
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Doesn’t it just make your blood boil? Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story
I honestly never felt a love to fierce until becoming a mother. That anger you mentioned, becoming a mother, is all too real. I find it really disrespectful when people seem to brush off boundaries or question the decisions I make for my kids’ well-being. You’re a good mother and such a good reminder for other’s to know that they’re good mothers too!
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Thank you so much Dee !
Yup! That’s mother life:) I have some families that disagree with me too but before we had our son, I told them straight up what we want and how we are going to do our way and they respect that because they see the outcome. It’s your child it should go your way period.
xoxo
Ophalyn
@ letmommybe.com
Author
And God forbid you keep the child away after being disrespected because then you’re the bad guy. Glad someone understands what I’m dealing with lol. Thank you so much for the comment.
Oh I agree. We get a lot of unsolicited advice. I’ve learnt now just to grin and bear it and ignore the advice. Is frustrating but far less stressful.
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This post wasn’t about unsolicited advice. It’s about people going against my wishes as a mother. Thanks for reading Jenni ! ?
I hate those unsolicited comments. Whether they are from family or friends. If I ask you that’s one thing. If I don’t then leave me be.
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It’s more of the blatant disrespect than the comments. Thanks for reading ❤️
I’ve said it before, but you’re a strong mama! Keep doing what’s best for yourself and your girls!
Author
Thanks mama <3
Even though I can’t speak from experience and I don’t know your full story, I can tell you this: Love, consistency, and stability are the most important factors in raising a healthy child. It seems like you got this figured out! Keep doing your thing because in the end your kid’s father/ family has to live with this empty feeling of failure, while you know in your heart you gave it your all. I wish you all the best!
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Thanks Sara!Thank you so much for reading!
I relate so much with your post! I’m a single mama too and it is definitely a hard job…. especially when dealing between the families….
Author
It’s a real struggle! On one hand you don’t want to keep them from family, on the other orange is definitely not the new black! Lol
Lol no we do not. History repeats itself, because parents do not want to break the cycle. You are doing right because at the end of the day kids know the truth whether we like it or not. Keep writing awesome posts and ill always be there. MUAHHH!!!
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Thanks my love ❤️
Single parenting is so hard. For us fathers as well. Stay strong. You are still the best.
Man, that has to be so hard. I couldn’t imagine what that must be like. Growing up I was in a single mother household. My mom did the best she could for us, of course, we didn’t know nearly as much of what went on then as we do now. But she had some family drama too. It is hard to be stuck in the middle because you want to please both families as a child. It can be really hard for the kids. My mom was worried about this and she ended up putting us in family therapy which really helped. Good luck and I am sorry you have to deal with people who do not respect you as a mother…That cuts to the core!
Author
I too grew up in a single mother home and we didn’t deal with ANY of this lol. Thank you so much for reading. ❤️
I feel this 100%, and I want to first thank you for transparency with your lifestyle. Being raised in a Christian household we were taught to love everyone. So I totally understand why you are frustrated and was also willing to still be cordial with his family. I’ve learned that I had to put myself first, and I know that Imani will see it follow me. I am proud of you as a mother. You are inspirational. Thank you!!!
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Thank you ! I’d rather keep raising her alone in stability than let her constantly witness dysfunction. We don’t have time for that lol. Thank you for reading <3