“Savages are just people afraid to admit that they want to love and be loved.” I don’t remember where I read that, but it stuck with me. At 26, I’ve been engaged twice, married once, and I’ve indulged in my fair share of shenanigans . When it comes to my love life, I’m really just out here winging it. I used to joke about my love life being cursed, but I’m starting to question if that’s really a thing.
At this point, I’ve been in every romantic situation that you could think of. I’ve been the girlfriend, I’ve been the wife, I’ve been the mistress, and I’ve been the friend with benefits. None of those situations have worked for me and ALL of them have ended in me getting my feelings hurt more than a few times. So what’s the problem? Trying to force a happy ending out of a situation that was dead to begin with? Trying to love someone before I learned how to love myself? All of the above?! I’ve always liked myself, but for a while there, I definitely had trouble with loving myself. I put myself in a lot of situations that I should’ve avoided, and put up with a lot of crap that no one that truly loved themselves would deal with. I even went as far as to convince myself that I wasn’t the “relationship type” altogether. I played games with, lied to, and curved some really great men in the process. All for the sake of this “hurt or get hurt” mentality.
I know it sounds so cliché but I have developed a real fear of commitment . . . Y’all, just the THOUGHT of going through what I’ve been through before makes me anxious. I know for a fact that the men that have attempted to date me in the last few years think that I am bat shit crazy. I have perfected the art of awkward silence and blank stares. Oddly enough, I still want the very thing that I’m afraid of. “That can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the moon, World Series kind of thing.” Shout out to anyone who watched Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen growing up lol. Seriously though, I just want to love and be loved without all of the extra stuff. I want to be able to let my guard down and show someone the real me, but it’s easier said than done.
It’s funny how the toughest people are usually the most fragile. I’ve built up this reputation of being the mean one, the person who doesn’t want or need anyone else. I think I may be getting soft, as I get older lol. This blog post aside, it’s always been hard for me to admit that I have feelings just like everyone else. I’ve always wanted the happy ending, but my pride has always been stronger than my desires. I would rather die inside than admit when I have feelings for someone. I know that at some point I have to let go of this fear. If not for me, for my girls. I want them to see what a happy, healthy, and stable relationship looks like. I just know that I have to learn to be happy, healthy, and stable on my own first . . . I apologize in advance if my thoughts are all over the place with this post, but y’all know how I get.